...after 15 days..

I'm startin' to make a life and I must tell you that it isn't really easy to make one. I've toiled so much just to get a brand new life. Looking for a decent job for nine days is not a joke. Yah I know, it was very tiresome and very disappointing when HRs are so fond of rejecting you. Well, I couldn't blame them 'coz whenever they ask something about me, I just can't answer them straight 'coz even me.. I'm not so sure about myself anymore. I was rejected lots of times like fate was already telling me to stop and think twice about the decisions that I've made for myself. But then I followed what I believe is right as of now.. "I want a new life".

After fifteen days, I've kept myself busy to conceal the reality of what I really feel inside. I wanna push my self to the limits.. don't care if I get so stressed out 'coz everytime my body feels overused? I just can't explain but emotionally, I tend to feel relieved. I burnout, stay up late at night, movie marathons, chat rooms, surfin' the net, hang-out with friends, wake up late - they are my so-called "Diversions". Askin' if they're effective?? well.. uhmmm.. they kinda' help a bit.. at least, they provide me temporary analgesia from all the pain that I can't seem to take off within my system. They help me take life one step at a time, slowly but surely though..

My friends (especially min2x).. I thank 'em for not leaving me in this enduring time of my life.. They stand up for me whenever I feel weak to bear these challenges I am facing.. They provide me comfort and security..they offer their shoulders for me to cry on..their time..support..and love are totally exceptional. They make me realize that despite the pain that I am goin' through, they are always there to bear it with me.. Words will never be enough to describe my gratitude and appreciation to my friends who held my hand when I was at the edge of a cliff.. hanging..

...after 15 days, I know I'm not yet there but i'm startin' to.. It's just so hard to take these hurdles when everytime I hear your whereabouts, I still feel pain deep within..maybe because your world that I use to be part of is now the world that I can't have and will never have..It's a big slap on my face that the things that are presented infront of me, as expected, have already snapped back to reality. In 15 days, I still falter.. stumble and can't even mumble.. I can't seem to get you off my mind.. you're still always in my thoughts.. i'm missin' you this much.. it's so obvious -- I'm not getting there yet.

People I miss.. (basig usa ka ani..)

I miss a lot of people lately.. it's just so sad that i can't get to see these people as often as before.. I just miss the joy and funny moments when I'm with them.. So to express my feelings of how much i miss them, I'll just put it into writing (like I always do).. Here are some of the people that my heart is longing..

1. My siblings..(ate mean,ate balot,manoy jhei,manang mavs, and manang jen2x..) I miss the times when our sala was still very noisy and the six of us would fight over on what channel should we watch..hehe i miss the times when at times they would all bully me and tease me like I'm just an adopted son..haha now the silence of our home is just so deafening..but don't u worry guys, I'll be fine and i promise to take care of mama and papa as much as i can..

2. my high school berks (mizay,kika,joshua,rannie,ode) it was just like yesterday..four years ago, i spent my best days with these peepz..i miss the times when we used to hang out at Kika's crib and eat some of their left overs!haha wen we would go to SM wearing our school uniforms..those times when we would sit on the CIT grounds and chit-chat like we don't have an early class with Mr. Entese..hehe i miss the simple life we had..so juvenile..so innocent but not naive..

3. JMECJ (jasmine,marimee,eden,me,and Jelai) I can't imagine my college life without these creatures..hehe my closest friends back at college..i just miss the times when we used to go home late and talk like there's no tomorrow..our sparkle and bird's nest tripping at PRIZA's and how we used to own certain tables in that bakery..hehe i super miss the times when we used to lie down at CIT grounds and star gaze then share our lil' wishes to each other.. our giggles and chit-chats while discussion is goin' on..our 'cheating' arrangement in minor subjects..haha! i miss the times when we would visit Jelai's place at Danao and spend time at their farm.. the sharing of probs and how we laugh at dem right den after we expressed dem.. der r still lots of precious memories that i spent wit 'em that even time cannot erase.. i truly miss u guyzz.. our bonding was just beyond superb..

4. Robo and Caroline.. I miss robo.. of how 'kulit' he was.. He's the only one who teases me that I just can't afford to get irritated.. I miss his childish ways of telling me that I'm also special.. He may be super "kulit" but he's a good listener and adviser and i super miss that.. I also miss Caroline.. when I'm with her, I feel like she's my real sister..so sincere..with a pure soul..really caring to the max and i really miss that..huhu i miss lots of things from these lovers not to mention our so-called love triangle!haha

5. Ka mec and Limay.. I miss 'em..i miss their way of treating me like i was their lil' brother.. They would always take time to listen from all the stories that I would share.. Ka mec, i miss my big sis.. her own ways of letting me feel that I still have a sibling around and that I shouldn't get much affected of being left alone..ehehe Limay, i miss the way she talks..so soft spoken and sincere.. thank you may for being there wen i needed a shoulder to cry on..jz miss d both of u!!

6. Ate Jazzy.. my best bud.. the two of us do really have the same wavelength..we could talk all night long if we want to (we can't seem to run out of topic)hehe.. i miss our chit-chats.. sharing of "HOUSE" series when in fact both of us already watched it..hehe people sometimes say that where Ate Jasmine dwells, roldan exists!wahaha we were totally inseparable back then and I super miss those times..

7. te rodz, yan-yane, chi-chi, jaday, tungz, Archi, wilson.. the 'trash talkers and small brains' - that's wat we used to address ourselves back then at N1 days..hehe These people were the most high spirited people in our section..there were no dull moments, as in.. i miss te rodz for always bringing laughter in the group, for always fighting for us, for defending us.. I miss yan-yane for her never ceasing smile..even in most depressing times, yan2x's smile would still be there to brighten up the scenario..hehe chi2x.. for being such a supportive friend, supporting even my craziest ideas..hehe for never leaving me in times of despair..i miss her very small brain as well..hehe jaday..for always taking time to listen..she may be quiet and shy-type at times but if uL get to know her better, uL see a different side of her..jolly,talkative, and most of all..she has a small brain as well..haha Tungz, for being overly serious in his speeches or in simple chit-chats..haha for his tendencies of being out of topic at times..hehe wat i miss most about dz guy is for being a pastor "kuno" in our group.. in fairness, this friend of mine is a good son of our Lord.. Archi.. being there for me everytime i needed someone to talk to..for helping me with my probs..for being so understanding..i miss the times wen we wud chit-chat and share our probz..tnx chi for being there juz wen i badly needed a friend..i miss our conversations..i swear.. and lastly, wilson..i'LL miss his way of thinking..intelligent (sometimes i cant fathom..wekeke) and tnx 'son for understanding me.. i really appreciate it up to now..

8. Bebe and Epin.. I miss our moments.. there was a time when the three of us were so depressed of our LuvLyfs..hehe then we went to Mc Donald's for a coke float tripping!hehe indeed, Mr. Mc Donald's really helped a lot! I miss the times of sharing..of coping from all the challenges of college life..hehe these two really supported me wen i was jz adjusting back at 1st yr college..ehehe

9. My Bessy Doray..she's just the best..simply the best.. a very supportive friend..i miss her own ways of telling me that everything's gonna be okay..i miss our ever most "drama" moments.. truly, she's the exact friend where i can cry without hesitations 'coz i know that there's no judgement at all.. eversince high school, our frienship is tested thru time..and I'm juz so proud to have u as my friend.. miss u so much best!!!

10. Errol, Charlie, Mam Pamz..i miss these peepz..the company.. the adventures..the out of towns (unplanned mostly!hehe).. the super fun and enjoyable micro subject of mam pamz.. the mem'ries i had with these pipz are jZ so special that I wud never trade it to anythingelse in this world..i miss errol for making me laugh, like really laugh at the top of my lungs..for being so happy and gay.. I miss charlie for being so sensitive..for treating me like I was his real sibling (not to mention the freebies and ol the treats!hehe).. for always askin' if I'm okay.. I truly miss the three of us rol and cha.. I juz don't know if we'll still be able to reunite but I'll never stop prayin' that the both of u will patch things up..kiss and make up.. forgive each other.. Mam Pamz, i miss her sow much!! She wz like my 2nd mum already..my best mentor ever..tnx for inspiring me mam..u're simply the best..she treated me not only as a student but as a true friend..i hope one day i cud visit u at NZ!! and we'll have a cup of coffee perhaps and reminisce the happy days we had..

11. Ekay.. She's my best friend thru thick and thin.. Literally thru "thick and thin"hehe back at HS when i wz the thin one and she's the thick one..haha but now's a different story..i'm thick and she's this sexy Ms. Mandaue already!wekeke but still..the friendship s still there and I think that wud be the single most thing that will always prevail and wud never change.. I miss u kay! all the silly things that she wud do..for being so immature..for always dragging me like she can't walk alone back then..hehe indeed, wen almost all of the people love you for being "almost perfect".. I'm loving you from all of your imperfections!!

12. Wyn, rea, Keisha, king2x..my super friends.. i miss the good times..the disco fever..the sleep overs!!hehe Wyn, for always laughin' at my jokez..haha for her tactlessness..hehe Rea, for ur company..hehe listening from all my repeatedly told stories.. Kei, for not letting go of our friendship..we almost lost our friendship, tnx to God! He made me realize ur worth and without a doubt, it's worth keeping.. Ngik2x, for all the times you stood by me..for sparing me much of your time and for always listening to me..for treating me so special..for letting me realize that I should love my self first..i miss our study times..hehe coffee times..brisk walking moments..haha undoubtedly, i really miss u king!!

13. Xhiange!! i juz miss her honesty.. really real gurl.. no pretensions.. i miss our badminton days xhiang!haha tnx for giving me a big hug each time i feel weak..ur such a friend! tnx for that!

14. My NSBO advisers..Mam Daryl and Sir Abz.. Mam aramil, tnx for being such a good mentor..i miss her firmness and for always standing for wat is right..most importantly, she always fights for her students..I may not say this often but I really appreciate you mam! i learned a lot from you..looking back, I realize that u were a great friend and thank you so much for understanding me.. seriously, for understanding the entire me..tnx for the good times mam!! Sir Bons, i miss him sow much..coolest mentor ever..we had lots of good times and some were not so good times..hehe but still we managed to laugh despite the pressures back then.. Sir bons, u inspire me a lot..Tnx for seeing us wen u went home..haha i hope i can also visit u at NY..hehe den we'll have a great tour at york!ehehe Sir, tnx for letting me feel like i wz ur own..i really appreciate your kindness.. I'll never forget all the wisdom that u imparted to us!!! mis u sir and mam!!

So what now??

yah..i'm starting to fix myself. Lil' by little i'm picking up the pieces that I, myself broke. I know that this won't be easy but I should do this. I still have my own life.. my friends.. my family.. and my own future to think about. Inch by inch im regaining the life i used to have. I miss the old me. I miss the times when I can still laugh like there's no tomorrow. Im letting go.. and i do hope that i'LL be able to move on eventually. I can never say when will it ever be but i'm pretty sure that day will come.

Though I lived my life these past few days in a very painful way, I still try to be strong. I know.. unrequited love is frustrating and painfuL but still I thank God above all the things that are happening to me right now. For two long years, my heart was just another part of my human anatomy. I was actually afraid if I still know how to love someone. And now I'm just so thankful.. this must be the positive side of all the things that are happening to me.. I've proven to myself that.. in fairness.. I still know how to love.. that I'm still human, vulnerable to this very special feeling.

Letting go of someone we love and accepting that they no longer want to be with us can be a painful thing to cope with. It's double the pain when you have to let go of someone you never really had in the first place. But the heart does heal.. it's just that sometimes, almost all the time, it's a long process. As for me, I try to convince myself by saying that I've lived much of my life without this person before, then I guess I can do it all once again. I just need time.. I just need to be strong.. and hang on.